Every single woman I talked to in the weeks leading up to Hadley’s birth told me that absolutely nothing would prepare me for labor.
I was constantly asked if I was going to go natural.
My answer would either be met with encouragement and praise or cynicism, a roll of the eyes and a snarky “Good luck.”
Six months ago today I was in labor for ten hours after being induced. And while I had never experienced anything like it I knew what I was in for. For ten hours I labored naturally, and felt the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. (Read Hadley’s full birth story will be on the blog at a later date)
And guess what? I was prepared. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. And I knew I would feel like giving up. I had mentally drilled that into my head. And the entire time I was praying. Prayer and knowing the end goal was my mantra. Ultimately I knew that it would be rewarding.
I had no idea just how rewarding it would be, though.
Absolutely nothing could prepare me for the past six months.
Full of grace, laughter and Netflix, these past six months have been some of the best, most influential and hardest months of my life.
Nothing could prepare me for the first time my body produced breastmilk. The inexplicable, incredible enchantment I felt toward my crazy amazing body. The awe I felt toward God for creating women so intricately, that we could carry our mini-me’s for nine whole months and then continue to give life for the first year. The closeness I felt with Hadley each time she would latch on.
Nothing could prepare me for the months of all nighters. That I would willingly choose to stare at this sleepy, beautiful baby girl instead of grabbing as much sleep as I could. Those times spent awake peering over the side of her cradle, leaning my ear as close as possible without disturbing her to make sure she was still breathing, looking over at David fast asleep and having no desire to join him. I was a mad man. But I was in love. And coffee was my best friend.
Nothing could prepare me for my reaction when David first held her. Remember that scene where the Grinch’s heart physically grows three sizes when he realizes the “true” meaning of Christmas? That on steroids is how I felt the first time he held her and every time he holds her for that matter.
Nothing could prepare me for how clueless we would be. I read so many books, so many blogs, asked so many questions. It didn’t matter. We both had no clue what we were doing. If we were holding her right, how often we needed to change her diaper, if she was getting enough food each time she nursed, if it was normal for her to sleep so long at night as a newborn…
Nothing could prepare me for the giddiness that wells up in the deepest caverns of my being when I hear the noises and babbling she makes each time she wakes up. The look on her face when I walk in the room. I used to say to David, “I wonder if she loves me.” My wondering has ended and it is absolutely wonderful.
Nothing could prepare me for the feeling of guilt the first time she fell off the bed. And the second time. And the third time. No one told me I would sleep walk like a mombie (zombie mom, get it?) into her bedroom and take her back to our bed, only to wake up to a thud and scream in the wee hours of the morning realizing what I had done. (Don’t worry she’s a trooper)
Nothing could prepare me for what she has taught me about Jesus. I love her more than words could even begin to express. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. She was born out of our sin. She is cute, cuddly and a profound undeserved grace. She forgives quicker than any full-sized human I know.
Being a parent has its difficulties, and I know we have many years ahead, but I would never call parenthood hard. I would never call parenthood an inconvenience or too much to handle.
What I would call it?
The best thing that has ever happened to us.
Being a parent has taught me think outside of myself, to quit relying on myself and it has tamed my crazy.
God always has been and always will be the perfect author of Creation and it is no accident that we were brought into this chapter of our lives quicker than we had imagined. His plan is far greater and ultimately brings more awe inspired joy than we could ever imagine.
And it’s only been six months…
the landrus diaries 